The half marathon is just over a week away! I can’t believe
it is already here. And yet, I also can’t wait for it to be over! This has been
such a physical and emotional journey.
Today what I want to write about is the mental struggle of
losing weight. The literature says that losing weight is 80% diet and 20%
exercise. It is also 99% mental. If your head and heart aren’t in it, then
things aren’t likely to change (or last).
This is an area that I still struggle with daily. I
self-sabotage. I dream of taking the easy way out and getting a lap band or
surgery or trying new diet pills or whatever the heck Sensa is. But I don’t do
it. In the end I feel somewhat like a masochist. I talk down to myself and
wonder why I even bother. The next day I’ll wake up and be determined to do it
better, to do it right. I load on the guilt. I acknowledge and accept what my
weaknesses are as a person. I own them. But they are a heavy burden to bear. I
wonder what I could do differently to not feel this way.
The worst is looking in the
mirror.
I’ve lost nearly 80lbs. That is like a 9 year old child. 80
freaking pounds!!! It doesn’t seem to change that when I look in the mirror, I
see a girl who still weighs 270 pounds. I don’t see the changes. I buy clothes 6
pants sizes smaller. I wear a Medium instead of a double-XL. The mirror though,
tells a different story. It is defeating. I don’t see ENOUGH change, I need to
work harder. What do I do when that energy isn’t there?
The only answer I can convince myself to believe right now
is that I will be okay as long as I take it one day at a time. I tell myself
that in May when school is done things will be better. I can go back to a
normal work schedule instead of 10 hour days. I’ll have more free time for
myself. I wonder, though, if that will really happen. Do I know how to relax?
Do I know how to take that pressure off myself? I’m not sure I do.
No comments:
Post a Comment