So the day finally came. The Philadelphia Half Marathon! After weeks and weeks of training, the big day was finally here.

 

I'm working on a post about my race nutrition and my thoughts on the race itself. For now, let me just say I FINISHED! Until I can get the other post up, enjoy this photo of me and my run buddies after the finish. 

 

Half Marathon Finishers!!

 



Looking in the Mirror

This is a pretty emotionally heavy entry. I’ve had a rough week and it is going to be a somewhat negative emotional dumping ground here today.

The half marathon is just over a week away! I can’t believe it is already here. And yet, I also can’t wait for it to be over! This has been such a physical and emotional journey.

Today what I want to write about is the mental struggle of losing weight. The literature says that losing weight is 80% diet and 20% exercise. It is also 99% mental. If your head and heart aren’t in it, then things aren’t likely to change (or last).

This is an area that I still struggle with daily. I self-sabotage. I dream of taking the easy way out and getting a lap band or surgery or trying new diet pills or whatever the heck Sensa is. But I don’t do it. In the end I feel somewhat like a masochist. I talk down to myself and wonder why I even bother. The next day I’ll wake up and be determined to do it better, to do it right. I load on the guilt. I acknowledge and accept what my weaknesses are as a person. I own them. But they are a heavy burden to bear. I wonder what I could do differently to not feel this way.

The worst is looking in the mirror.                       

I’ve lost nearly 80lbs. That is like a 9 year old child. 80 freaking pounds!!! It doesn’t seem to change that when I look in the mirror, I see a girl who still weighs 270 pounds. I don’t see the changes. I buy clothes 6 pants sizes smaller. I wear a Medium instead of a double-XL. The mirror though, tells a different story. It is defeating. I don’t see ENOUGH change, I need to work harder. What do I do when that energy isn’t there?

The only answer I can convince myself to believe right now is that I will be okay as long as I take it one day at a time. I tell myself that in May when school is done things will be better. I can go back to a normal work schedule instead of 10 hour days. I’ll have more free time for myself. I wonder, though, if that will really happen. Do I know how to relax? Do I know how to take that pressure off myself? I’m not sure I do.